Opening the Doors of Perception

Any explorative complexity – painting, writing poetry, robbing banks, being a dictator, and so forth, takes you to that place where danger and miracle are like Siamese twins.

C. Bukowski

Louise Bourgeois. Articulated Lair. 1986

I find pleasure in frying food, not because I enjoy consuming what I've cooked, but rather in witnessing the sizzling hot pan spitting boiling oil onto my skin. I take pleasure in gently pressing on the warm, blistered skin, observing the formation of blisters. When the healing process begins, I start picking at the blisters with my unclean nails.

I cannot recall the exact moment when I developed this affinity for experiencing intense pain followed by its gradual subsiding. It likely originated in my childhood, when I endured frequent and severe beatings from my father and brother. However, there's no need to pity me; I detest such sympathy. I have ceased to concern myself with how my past has irrevocably shaped me. At least I have developed a high tolerance for pain. Over time, every accident, injury, and failure I encounter inflicts diminishing levels of pain. It's remarkable how I have conditioned my body to swiftly neutralize pain. Yet, this numbing process comes with its own set of consequences.

Numbing tends to dampen my ability to empathize with others. Just last week, for instance, instead of offering comforting words to a sorrowful friend, I uttered something that may have felt inappropriate or out of context. I am unsure how to salvage such awkward situations. Often, I resort to sending him random videos, like monkeys devouring jackfruits, hoping that he will forget my ill-timed remarks. Perhaps Buk and I share a common inclination to recklessly utter words that can cause harm.

Despite its drawbacks, numbing is not as detrimental as it may appear. While it may hinder my empathy, it sharpens other matched filters, such as my vision, hearing, and thinking. It allows me to assess the authenticity and intensity of other people's matched filters. It enables me to discern between posers and disingenuous individuals. My intuition informs me that there is an abundance of such individuals. Some are less overt in their deceit, skillfully concealing their shallowness. Take, for instance, the musician I recently listened to. His music resonates with many who are oblivious to his superficiality. However, to me, his lyrics hold no value; I could easily dismiss them as inconsequential as my narcissistic ex's empty promises.

That's the problem we face. We permit cheapness to persist. Rather than experiencing the scorching intensity of third-degree burns, we settle for the mild discomfort of first-degree burns. Perhaps this is the way it has always been. Maybe most people's senses are not equipped to handle overwhelming intensity, as an excess of sensory input can sear our nerve endings. Yet, how can we hope to solve profound problems if we are accustomed to only experiencing mild discomfort? Surely, there must be a way to deeply feel pain and unlock multiple doors of perception without subjecting ourselves to the protracted and exhausting cycle of abuse and trauma.

Jean-Michael Basquiat. Six Crimee.1982

If I were to ask some of my friends, they might suggest, "Just try some mescaline or LSD." I won't deny that I'm open to the idea of microdosing psychedelic drugs to enhance my matched filters. However, I believe it requires a combination of extensive life experiences and a subtle dose of hallucinogens to truly experience the full effects of all matched filters. It's evident that LSD alone did not contribute to improving the lyrics of that uninspiring song composed by the aforementioned musician.

Of course, what works best for me may not work best for others. Among the plethora of stimulants and depressants, alcohol remains my go-to sedative. I find that mild analgesics help to calm my overactive mind, allowing me to still experience traces of pain that I can translate onto paper without distorting reality. And speaking of reality, it's worth noting that humans often depict it as beautiful when, in reality, it's far from it.

To some extent, delusions may serve as a temporary means to distort and alleviate pain. However, merely piling up delusions does not address the underlying causes of pain nor allow for true healing to take place.

Long ago, I made a conscious decision not to let my wounds completely heal. I've come to accept that new wounds will inevitably emerge where old ones once resided. What matters now is that I've gained the ability to locate the entrances and exits of my wounds. It's as if I hold the power to determine when and how I enter different doors of pain. Upon closer examination, one would also observe how a single bullet can inflict cascading damage to the surrounding tissues and organs. Foolishly attempting to extract the bullet without proper expertise would only lead to further bleeding and irreparable harm to the organs. Unless you possess the necessary knowledge and skill, it is advisable to leave the bullet in place until you can determine the best approach for its removal.