bedtime stories i told my kids (but shouldn't have) in my twisted dreams

by Benjamin Faucett

how your uncles ended up in jail

your best friend was conceived in a fitting room at h&m

the day i was suppose to do yoga but ended up at taco joe's with your drunk af aunt charlie

aunt nikita's real name is albina (yes, she's russian. yes, nikita is a common russian boy's name. no, she's not a russian spy (or is she?))

the night aunt albina introduced me to random spanish guys in a club as her chinese friend because we got so fed up explaining to everyone that china is not the only asian country

the day aunt albina got high af

the night grandma elise pretended to be the owner of the bar just so we can have a free bottle of wine

the night grandma elise flirted with the bartender just so we can have free gummy bears

the night grandma ina rolled a maxi pad and stuck it in there like a tampon

grandma ina bakes the best carrot cake

i have a friend from ukraine (mom, what's ukraine?--it used to be a country, kiddo!)

your grandma gave me a tattoo machine and weed parafernalia for my birthday

your grandma accidentally killed my cat and then tried to cover it up

if the party's at a goat farm in the middle of nowhere in vic, then i guarantee it'll be epic

don't do drugs, kids, especially cocaine, it didn't have any effect on me

that christams morning we went to the beach and aunt ana taught me words like Јебига, Јеби се, Jеди говна, Јебем ти матер, Одјеби, Пуши курац, Иди у курац

my catalan landlord oversharing his fear of having sex with a pretty japanese girl and a giant squid

the giant triton's trumpet in leyte

the time i hid from mushroom poachers because i thought they're tiger poachers

the time my blind cat snake died from eating a chicken egg

the day i burnt aunt andrea's hair

yumyum my first pet chicken

aunt gab eating her first pet chicken