The value of trust

Amsterdam by Robert Frank

Dear Fran Fran,

I think one of the reasons we both understand the true value of trust in relationships is because we've had our fair share of disappointments and have trusted the wrong people in the past. It's unfortunate that we've had to go through experiences where those we believed had good intentions turned out to betray or hurt us. I've noticed that individuals who grew up in a more secure and nurturing environment tend to trust others more easily, while those of us who grew up in more insecure settings struggle with it. For them, trust is given freely and not something that has to be earned. I, on the other hand, still find it challenging and would love to learn how to fully trust my loved ones again.

In the past, I used to envy those who could trust people right off the bat. Deep down, I knew they hadn't experienced the pain of being betrayed or abused by their own family or loved ones. We, however, have been entangled in situations we never asked for, and it's now our responsibility to heal from these unfortunate events and prevent them from happening again in the future.

We're a work in progress, Fran, and one thing I wish these fortunate individuals understood about us is that, for us to make progress, they too need to step up their game and show more understanding. It's important for them not to assert any form of self-righteousness towards us because it only adds salt to our wounds. Now more than ever, I believe there's a need for people to take responsibility for how they relate to others. Alex refers to this as affective responsibility, something he admits he still struggles with. As survivors of unhealthy pasts, we should also learn to effectively communicate to others what we need in order to build and earn our trust.

I don't know about you, Fran, but to me, there are four main skills that everyone should master to build trust in relationships: not taking things for granted, honesty, honoring one's word, and accountability. When these key elements are absent, it becomes difficult to build trust. That's why I'm tough on myself, Fran. I need to remove myself from relationships that lack these important elements because I've grown accustomed to being taken advantage of and taking crumbs. I commend you for also recognizing and walking away from people and situations that no longer serve you.

You continue to inspire me, Fran. You're an incredible friend, and I hope to meet more people who are on the same wavelength as you.

You're my Chinese noodle big chili.

Talk to you soon.

Yours always,

XX