Flipped

Photomontage from the book Aveux non-Avenus, c 1920 to 1930 by Claude Cahun

I hate his guts. Is it so difficult to fathom that I can experience love without desiring to be possessed by the person I care for? Regardless, I am leaving soon. My only craving is to be engulfed in the fiery intensity of fading passions and loves. One-night stands no longer satiate me, for I am aware that greater ecstasy awaits me when engaging in sober intimacy with someone I can genuinely and profoundly connect with. It astonishes me how deeply organic connections can cut, far deeper than I ever anticipated.

Especially unexpected is the strong affinity I feel for him. He's gross, annoying, and childish af. He's stubborn, evasive, and can hardly commit to his projects. He did not have a strong sense of self and he used to have a hard time saying no to his peers and his ego...But he sure can make me laugh hard. He cooks good eggs. And he has a way of making me vulnerable.

In the past, I vehemently clung to my sense of self, but with him, I find it surprisingly effortless to surrender to the transformative impact he has on me. I used to scoff at the notion of finding security or a sense of home in other individuals, yet he has a remarkable talent for defying my cynicism and demonstrating that, in some way, it is indeed possible. Whenever I feel lost or consumed by anger, a simple gaze in his direction or his tight embrace is enough to alleviate the overwhelming sense of aimlessness and fury within me.