What looked like a green-eyed monster

by Ren Hang

My period (or some sorta heavy bleeding before my period) came a week earlier no thanks to the morning-after pill I took a week ago. As a result, my PMDD kicked in earlier than usual. And I absolutely hate it when a physiological change triggers my reactions and behavior, especially towards the people I care about. These triggers often lead to irrationality and impulsiveness, things I try my best to keep under control. But oftentimes, triggers rise and fall like billows, leaving me feeling helpless and powerless like a fish out of water flailing pathetically around, gasping desperately for air.

To top off my hellish week of hormonal surge, Alex went out to dinner with some female friend of his. My anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks, causing my body temperature to drop and sending me into convulsions. My mind became clouded, and I couldn't think straight, even when he reassured me and asked me to trust him completely. In an attempt to regain my composure, I repeated the words "I trust him. I trust him. I trust him completely"again and again like a goddamn mantra to aid my sanity. While I desperately clung on to the fragile thread of trust we had, at the back of my mind, I knew she was coming. My bitchin' demon was coming. This time, she came in a different and unfamiliar guise...in the guise that somehow resembled the green-eyed monster...

I didn't know I had it in me. I didn't know I had it in me. Goddamn Western politically correct squares put so much negative and unhealthy connotation on the word jealousy. I prefer the more nuanced and forgiving meaning of jealousy found in Latin American cultures as a form of expression of love. I mean, why not? Why should we feel embarrassed and ashamed when the green-eyed monster rears its head? Is it because we believe it shows a lack of control over our emotions or because it signifies that the person we love has power over us? If the latter is true, then perhaps it's understandable to feel a bit shameful for losing control, but in the name of love, a hint of jealousy can be healthy and normal. To me, it's not an indication of a lack of trust in my partner, but rather an emotion rooted in vulnerability—an acknowledgment that he holds a certain power over me, and yet, I don't give af because he truly matters.

But still, I couldn't shake the feeling of not knowing I had this side of me. I wished, just for once, that I could be "normal." On days like this, I wished I didn't have to carry the weight of my past into my relationship because he didn't deserve to see that side of me. He did not deserve to see my monster…