Hello darkness, my old friend

by Vito Acconci

I never imagined I would pursue a career in science. I've always been fascinated by explosive and captivating experiments, like the classic flame test that analyzes the color of flames produced by different metal compounds. However, I used to believe that my attention span was too short to truly appreciate the hard sciences, or anything else for that matter.

During high school, I was a slack ass. I would either sleep through classes or skip them altogether. It's not that I lacked interest in the subjects I was studying; my mind simply couldn't keep up with the monotony of lectures and readings. I felt dyslexic during those years, with words jumbled in my mind and my speech often slurred. People used to mock my speech, calling me a drunkard. Consequently, I learned to keep quiet and be more agreeable. Now, I am fluent in two languages and actively learning three others, and my attention span has improved significantly.

Looking back, I realize I shouldn't have ignored the signs of chronic trauma-related disorders. They made me feel small and unintelligent, as if I couldn't keep up with the rest of the world. However, I was young at the time, and my mother had trust issues with therapists and modern medicine. Now that I feel mentally better, I sometimes wonder why there are people who fantasize about experiencing brutal abuse or going through the same hardships I endured.

I've heard stories of individuals fabricating tales of abuse in order to gain empathy from others. If they want a history like mine, I say, please, go ahead and take it. I cannot express how much I want all memories in my past to go away, how much I want a clean start so that I can be more in control of how I think and feel and react to things.

I used to want a life like cousin Ana's. There’s just something about kids with a proper upbringing that automatically gives them a head start in life. But there’s also a certain predictableness to the road they take. Accumulating achievements in school seem to be the only highlight in their life. Afterwards, they go downhill with the rest of the squares.

Squares speak of happiness as if it's the only worthwhile pursuit and view darkness as their worst enemy. But darkness has always been my closest companion. It should be, especially for those seeking a greater meaning or life purpose, because darkness is the muse of all creatives and geniuses. It is the unexplored territory that explorers chase to uncover novel knowledge about the universe. Darkness leads scientists to Canfranc's secret laboratories, located 800 meters beneath the Pyrenees, to study dark matter and the impact of radiation (or its absence) on organic life. It beckons artists to delve into the depths of hell, resurrecting prophets who paint and sing about the truths and mysteries of existence. Darkness confronts individuals with rock bottom and compels them to resolve life's ambivalence, paving the way for the creation of their own unique world...