I can't recall the last time

A Kiss in A Crowd, 1940-52 by Saul Leiter

I don't remember the last time I saw mom and the old man truly happy together. Even before they officially separated, it always felt like they never really loved each other. Maybe they did a long time ago, but I never witnessed that peak of their marriage. Their relationship always seemed transactional. Always milking each other. Always keeping tabs whenever they gave and received something from each other—"How're we gonna split the properties? Who's getting who? I did this today so you haftta do that tomorrow yadda yadda ya..." Their relationship was that of greedy folks mercilessly draining cash out of an ATM machine on payday. The crazy part is, I used to think this kind of relationship was normal. Turns out, I wasn't entirely wrong. The marriages I've observed that operate on this transactional basis often end up in flames. I was scared that I would repeat history and suffer the same fate as my folks. That's why, for a while, I became averse to forming deep, long-lasting relationships with men. Don't get me wrong, I get along great with men, but I started building high walls to prevent too many of them from getting too close to my private sphere.

In fact, so far, I think I've only truly let in and romantically loved two great men in my life. Of course, I could love more if I wanted to, but believe it or not (and not just because Richard fucking Dawkins advised me to do so), I am highly selective when it comes to choosing my mate. The first love story had a long history behind it. It started with friendship and mutual understanding, but also a fair share of misunderstandings. Despite it all, I can still attest that he is a great man and our time together was not wasted. He taught me a lot and served as a catalyst for finding my true self and eventually led me to another incredible man, Alex.

So, why, might you ask, did I choose Alex? Well, timing played a big role. He came into my life during one of my lowest points. I had experienced many lows, but he was there at a time when I had just left my family, friends, love, and country for a sham promise, a sham job, and a sham doctorate degree. I was completely crushed. To top it all off, it was right before I was about to leave for Madrid. But a few nights before I left Barcelona, inside the discotheque, he insisted that we keep dancing and that I keep smiling for him, even though all I wanted to do was leave the dance floor, curl up in a ball, and contemplate ways to end it all. Suicide, after all, runs in my blood. Yet that night, I chose to stay. I chose to dance with him and smile because I saw in his eyes what was missing in me—life, radiant life! You know the saying, "Music happens between the notes"? He didn't need to say anything that night, but I just knew. And he said he knew too.

The stubborn donkey stopped at nothing to pursue me. Indeed, words are cheap. A person's character can only be measured by his actions. He never failed to put a smile on my face. But it was how he treated me when I had bad days, when I had tantrums and outbursts and bad dreams and all that ridiculousness spurting out like hot mess that I saw his authenticity and humaneness. Alex showed me kindness, the type of selfless non-transactional kindness the world needs these days. He treated me so contrary to how my folks treated each other. I mean, isn't that what a great relationship is supposed to be? Free from transactions and calculations? We often get caught up in thinking about how we can benefit from a partnership, that along the way we forget about what a partnership should be all about which is giving unconditionally, not because we're obliged to do so but because it makes us feel ecstatic to see the person we love expand in our love. And that's probably more than enough to fatten the human heart.

What else can I say about the bitch? He's thoughtful and loving and respectful and funny and sweet and loyal and smart and punctual and athletic and handsome and sexy af and probably one of the few who can keep up with my intense sex drive and my lust for adventures blah blah blah you're not all that. He can also be really stubborn and obnoxious and crazy organized and over competitive and he hasn't yet cooked a good meal for me...But the good and the bad parts about Alex are just bonuses. What matters the most to me is how we can effortlessly choose to recommit to our love every day. We're only at the first leg of the race but I'm already looking forward to whatever shit comes our way.

***

Post-script:

I love you, donkey, but please don't think you're all that even though you are, at least to me.

lessons on love