Linda

I am a little unhappy by Shen Jingdong

Linda's really beginning to get up my nose. I hate her prying eyes. As much as I’d like to believe she means well, I can’t stand it whenever she investigates everything I do, down to microwaving my fuckin food...

"Cariño, make sure to put a lid on the plate before microwaving. Cariño, avoid microwaving sardines, it smells!" Cariño this! Cariño that! Madre mia! Hostia puta! I thought I was gonna get full independence living abroad. Turns out Linda's a bigger booger than mom. Ugh. I miss mom…If only Linda knows I microwave my sweats and jeans to keep them nice and toasty in the winter...

My darkness rejoices whenever she's not around. I'd inconspicuously vandalize her clean haven by flicking boogers on her well-polished hardwood or by cooking rancid meat when her fresh laundries are hanging peacefully on the clothesline.

Two days ago I bought kimchi and stored it in the fridge. I couldn't help but laugh at her reaction when she opened the fridge. Swear to god, I had no intention of flipping her out, C. I was only craving kimchi! Kimchi doesn't even smell bad. It just smells...erm fermented. But that woman has the nose of an elephant, the nose of a K9 well trained to detect narcotics. She can smell the scrambled eggs I cooked for breakfast and the fried chicken I ate for lunch on her clothes. Amazing! Amazingly annoying! This makes me hesitant to invite boys over. I wouldn't want her to smell their jizz all over the couch or on countertops. I'd be crossing the line. But what I hate more than her highly sensitive sense of smell is her questionable taste in music...

To start my day off right, I used to crank up the TV volume and either listen to Nina Simone or Joan Baez' soulful voices or Lou Reed and Jim Morrison's poetic verses. But, one morning, she yelled at me and told me to turn down the volume. She said point blank my kind of music is lackluster. Seriously? Nina Simone? Joan Baez? Lou Reed? The Lizard Fucking King? Lackluster???

To reach a compromise, I had to sacrifice mornings with Nina, Joan, Lou, and Jim and instead play the music she prefers like Boogie Wonderland and My Heart Will Go On. I have nothing against Celine Dion nor Earth, Wind & Fire but you can really tell a lot about a person by the music they listen to…