Mi amor! Mi amor perfecto! Mi vida!

As the holidays came to an end, Iván asked me to be his girlfriend. I felt a mixture of confusion and flattery. He could have any beautiful woman in the world, yet he's hot for me, and it has been that way for the past two and a half years—ever since I first came to Spain.

Spanish vocabulary can be so vibrant and alluring. When a Spanish man falls head over heels, they tend to be very expressive with their words—Oh, mi amor! Mi amor perfecto! Mi vida! Yadda yadda... It's unusual for him to speak this way because he is often shy when he's around me. He flatters my pride so much, but overall, I'm not quite sure how to feel about it. Firstly, if I do decide to be his girlfriend, I don't want him to know that I still struggle with my own insecurities. Secondly, I'm uncertain if I'm truly ready for a deep and lasting relationship. But then again, no one can ever be completely certain when they'll be ready—it's all a matter of taking chances. I do feel a strong affection for him, but I don't like using words lightly. That's why when I say "I love you," I want to mean it. Right now, I don't think I do.

We've spent time together on several occasions in the past, and I still feel that same intense electric chemistry when we're together. However, I can't say he truly knows me well. He doesn't know my fears, my pain, my conflicting thoughts, or my tendency to run away from things that hurt. Even if I try to explain myself, I fear he wouldn't fully understand because my Spanish is still imperfect. That's another thing—how can he be so sure he loves me if he doesn't fully comprehend who I am? Does he only love the idea of me? Am I merely a figment of his imagination? Perhaps I'm overthinking, but why shouldn't I? I want what we have to be real, wild, free, and beautiful. I want to be both his lover and his muse—a catalyst for his creative growth. And I want him to have the same effect on me. The only love I desire is the transcendent kind, like the love shared by Frida Kahlo & Diego Rivera, Georgia O'Keeffe & Alfred Stieglitz, Marina Abramović & Ulay, Patti Smith & Robert Mapplethorpe, David Foster Wallace & Mary Karr, Sylvia Plath & Ted Hughes, Voltaire & Émilie du Châtelet, Lynn Margulis & Carl Sagan, Marie & Pierre Curie, just to name a few. If it falls short of being transcendent, then I don't want it. After all, what good is a man who stifles a woman's ability to fully express her womanhood?