To Charlie, From Charlie

Readers, today I finally got a hold of a manual shredder. So naturally, I took my old notebooks and destroyed them. There are no physical copies left existing (Side note: shredding papers that have taken your space for a long time is incredibly cathartic. I can easily count this as a form of therapy). But to acknowledge the efforts of my younger self for meticulously documenting her daily thoughts and events, I wrote this so I would not forget my impressions of her now as a 20-something with new hopes and struggles.

So, here are my thoughts while reading through my old diaries/planners (written when I was around 9-16 years old):

• Cringe mania (This is expected).

• I was a spoiled brat and a little bitch sometimes.

• I sure did spend A LOT of time with my grandparents. I wonder what they thought of us siblings stuck with career-oriented parents. I can still say that no one ever spoiled me as much as my grandma did.

• I cared too much about what other people thought of me. Spoiler alert: everyone’s too busy thinking about themselves for them to even think about YOU.

• Despite a lot of schoolwork (which I did RELIGIOUSLY, what a nerd), I still had so much time on my hands...

• Pet Society fucking ruled my world. I had so much time and energy for that game and no one told me to dial it down.

• I had a knack for constant self-improvement even at a young age (boomers, take notes).

• In relation to the above bullet, I am impressed with my high school self for choosing to take up AP Calculus DESPITE being given the freedom to pick other non-math-related classes. That may have helped me somehow, but another spoiler alert: I’m still dumb with numbers. At least I passed.

• Kids realllyyyy put their parents on a high pedestal...This is quite obvious, but sometimes I still forget it.

• Also, kids are easy to please. You can be gone for a whole week and basically disappear but bring home a box of sugary snacks, and they will look at you with doting eyes and LOVE you. Come to think of it, maybe that’s why I’ve grown fond of cakes as an adult.

• I wanted to do so many things as a kid like learn to play instruments, take up all sorts of summer classes, train on various sports, and all other shit to occupy my brain. But alas, my strict parents forbade me to do so (which is sadly still relevant up to this day). I guess they didn’t want to bother investing time and money in my childish pursuits. But imagine what kind of person I would have become if I had the means and support to experience those things back then instead of being holed up inside the house?? She can step on me, and I would thank her.

• I wanted to grow up too soon and finally have that promised freedom that comes with being an adult. In my young brain, I thought that I could take care of myself better if I had the available tools of a full-fledged adult (She wouldn’t want to hear about what happened in 2020).

• Being the oldest daughter in the family and thus, an adult pleaser as a child, I wish I had an older sibling or a not-so-much-older role model back then. That person could have guided me in dealing with people at school and my other relatives and would even come to MY defense if anyone tried to take advantage of me. It never crossed my pure, young mind that authority figures and even your loved ones are capable of hurting you, whether intentionally or not. In my eyes, they were people who exactly knew what was best for you, without faults or any generational trauma whatsoever. If that person existed, that would’ve saved me from a lot of trauma and fried brain cells from my ruminating thoughts (what exactly did I do wrong?? Just how disobedient and sLuTtY was I for my age??). I punished myself for things that shouldn’t even be an issue for YEARS, while the other adults who knew about this just stood on the sidelines because you’re expected to toughen it out and respect ye olde ancestors REGARDLESS.

• Also, I wish I had the courage back then to stand up for myself. I don’t blame my younger self, though. Miss girl had no one to look up to.

Younger me, I would give you five gold stars for just doing you. Let me be the older figure you wish you had then. I may not be the all-knowing figure with all the answers but what I do know is that you and I still share the same heart and core and I will put you first before anything else in this world. God knows you needed it.