Pathless path

I am in Madrid mofo. Admittedly, even though I’m in a new city, there are days when my feelings would still vacillate back and forth between anger and peace. I couldn’t escape the anger and the bitterness even if I tried. In fact, I still think about throwing in the towel and going back home to the Philippines. But after much thought and consideration, I realized that there's nothing for me to go back to. You’re right, C. Despite the less-than-ideal conditions here, I'm choosing to give my residency a fighting chance. After all, I am in fucking Europe which for many Filipinos mean a gold pass to a banquet of opportunities.

So anyhow, I told you about Cel right, C? She’s currently working as a nanny in Munich. She offered me her apartment in Madrid while I'm still on the hunt for a job. I mentioned in previous letters that her rent is half the price of my rent in Barcelona so I said yes to her offer straight away. So here I am. Of course, her apartment is not as good as my Art Nouveau-styled apartment in Barcelona but at least I'm still in Spain, at least I'm still in Europe.

On my way to Madrid, however, I was again contemplating whether or not I should continue a “prestigious life” in academia. Not in Europe but in the US or Japan instead but then I asked myself why should I even bother continuing, C? Why should I choose to get stuck again and again in the dizzying academic wheel? I already got my ticket to freedom. I got out of the toxic pyramid educational system. I got out of the system that does not promote quality education for all, in other words, a system that corrupts, a system that discriminates. And why should I even bother to waste my time proving to them squares that I am just as good as them in the workplace? Ideally, a healthy working environment should be a place of equality, acceptance and growth. Also, where tf is this new obsession with degrees, certificates and diplomas coming from? Since when did people equate success with a person's highest educational attainment?

The good news is; I can do whatever the fuck I want now. And the best part is, I'm still young. Tell you the truth (and I'm not just saying this because I am still a bit bitter about the whole shit show that went down a couple of weeks back), I don't miss anything about my life in academia. Sure, I got to rub shoulders with the elites and great minds, but it wasn't a life, at least not my version of what life should be. No doubt, I enjoyed doing science the Darwin way. In fact, it should be the only way to do science. They gave me so much freedom and materials to work with for my own projects. They even gave me a false-promise of a solid 4-year funding. But that's all dust now. And it's ok. It just takes an incident like this to finally blow up in my face to realize how much I'm missing out in life.

I like to think that day at the beach with Lucas was a premonition of what was to come. Perhaps deep down, I already knew that academia, at least for now, is not for me. I’m beginning to think bohemian life suits me better, C. So perhaps this pathless path is my path…