Superstar scientoast

Before I left Manila, for half a year ago or so, I was freaking out, constantly double-checking the damn bureaucratic paperwork piled up on my desk. —"Is it in order? Did I leave blanks on the application forms? Is my handwriting legible? Am I missing anything??" But of the bunch of papers lying around, a particular document—my academic transcript—stood out from the rest.

Ahhh the academic transcript—a piece of goddam paper that summarizes my entire goddam academic performance in the Philippines and that somehow determines my work (and academic) status in Europe. If I had known back then what I know now, I wouldn't have been stressing so damn much about that bureaucratic paperwork, my transcript, or my qualifications. Yeah, you heard me right. None of that matters here, C. It doesn't matter that my boss thinks I'm more than qualified to work for him. It doesn't matter if he was so invested in me. None of it goddamn matters. Because at the end of the day, if your skin ain't white and your hair ain't blond, you'll never be good enough in this dog-eat-dog white man's world.

Your goddam big noggin will be all for nothing, your goddam master’s degree will be all for nothing, in fact, will not even be recognized by the goddam European education ministry since, for some goddam senseless bureaucratic reasons, the goddam Asian education system will never measure up to the "golden" European education goddam system.

This is the turning point, C—the point when scientists of color become science tutors of snotty rich white kids or when doctors of color become nurses of dying white old wilfs (widows). But I don't think it's about their goddam high standards. I think it's more about the fact that some still find it utterly hard to believe that, even in the 21st century, the minority can compete equally in the workplace with them. So they say, "Fuck the minority. Let them rot in the wayside. Let them rot. Let them rot. We raped their country once. Now that they're in our territory, we'll rape them again!" It’s a subtle way of saying, "That's what they deserve. That's what them Indio maggots deserve."

Forget about their glossy sweetened advocacies about giving foreign students from developing countries the opportunity to thrive in Europe. It's all baloney. That’s right. Fuck ‘em and their advocacy for diversity and inclusion at work. In their eyes, we are only fit for blue-collar jobs.

And then you're left trying to justify why they don't recognize the credit system in your country. Like, yeah yeah I'm the goddam alien foreigner. I have to adjust to your “high goddam standards” and all. Oh, yeah maybe I should simply repeat my goddam masters that took me goddam 4 solid years to complete (which btw only takes a year to finish in Spain) just so that I can prove my worth to your so-called high goddam standards.

What's that? You wanna give me options, boss? You want me to look for some goddam non-existent rich labs that will fund my entire goddam graduate studies? You want me to look in the UK? Wait, no, scratch that, the motherfucking US of A? Why? Because they're more open to Asia's low fucking quality of education? Or what? You want me to apply for a goddam Erasmus program? No. No, boss. See I'm tired of hearing your patronizing suggestions on how I can better the quality of my scientific career. I'm tired, most especially, of hearing it from a white fucking privileged man. Please, boss, please wipe off that condescending look on your face. I don't need your pity. I don't need your sympathy nor your apologies for failing as my mentor. Don't bother pretending that you understand my situation because you don't. YOU. NEVER. WILL. I am nothing but your goddam Guinea pig.

You know what made it worse, boss? You gave me a taste of what it's like to be a great scientist—to work with great scientists—scientists who are second, third-generation protégés of other iconic scientists like Darwin, Lamarck, Haeckel, Margulis, et al., to play around with my experiments, to use expensive gizmos that scientists in my country will never be able to use because we can't afford them, to discover new things, to create my own projects, to work and to not feel like I'm working because I'm doing something more worthwhile than the typical 9-to-5, to be my own boss, and to make my own money and all. Stop, boss, just stop with this madness. It's hilarious. It's all a big joke after all. We should have a good laugh about it in a few years when I've moved on from this joke of a situation. Cause, let's face it, I'm the punchline. How the hell can an Asian (unless you're Chinese, Japanese, or Korean) even believe they got what it takes to be a golden scientoast in this white man's world? Ha! Hah!

God, boss, rn I just want to be dumb. Like really really dumb, you know? Dumb to the point where I'd forget about my degrees, my achievements, my career. Just plain ol dumb. Now, that'd be one hell of a life worth living. No joke.